Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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