Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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