Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
