I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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