You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
