My friends, they love my intelligence
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
