I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
