He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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