You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
