Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
ugly people sure do ruin things
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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