I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He better not be in your backpack
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
