I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
