So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
