i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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