There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
