I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
