Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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