Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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