Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
