I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
