Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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