The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize