omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
