my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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