I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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