i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
