She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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