I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
