Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
