I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's never too late to be topless.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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