Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
