I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
