Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
