Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
