Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
is wine microwaveable?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
