unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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