and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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