Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
