I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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