please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
