Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
