You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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