His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
