Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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