you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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