Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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