Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
