you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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