I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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