JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
