I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
