there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize