discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize