yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
is wine microwaveable?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
