How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
