Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
