Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
