just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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