Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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