Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
